Therapy Everyone Can Afford


Times are hard. The world has rarely been gnarlier, and that’s on top of our existing emotional wreckage. Sure, you’d love to see a therapist, a good one whose office has fancy tribal art and more than one chair so that you don’t have to sit on the doctor’s lap. But either you don’t have insurance or you have the silly kind that therapists ignore.

That’s why we created HealScreen. For only pennies per cyber-session, you can connect directly with one of our many license-adjacent counsellors. No dismissive insurance companies wishing you the best of luck with your borderline personality disorder or payment sliding scales that never seem to slide down to the embarrassing depths you need them to. Just therapy services inspired by actual professional offerings that even you can afford.

We’re not online therapy. We’re HealScreen, the Internet’s premier online-therapy company.

How do we do it? The money we save from our honor-system background checks and primitive Internet connectivity gets passed on to you! But that doesn’t mean you’re not getting the best we’re prepared to offer. In fact, every one of the therapists you’ll find on HealScreen has filled out the bulk of our online application—guaranteed! Don’t take this advertorial’s word for it, though. Let some of our counsellors speak for themselves.

Bruno Ramsey

“As a former casino pit boss, I can spot someone who’s not playing by the rules a mile away, and I’m fine leaving him at a bus shelter with broken thumbs and a chip from the Tropicana shoved up his ass. So you’d better be straight with me when it comes to your personal problems. You do that—you tell me exactly what you’re going through in all its complexity—and you and me? We’ll be just dandy. You get evasive or disengage? I get brutal.”

Katrina Johnston

“I am a certified healing leader with more than twenty-six years of experience in treating alien-abduction trauma and nothing else. But the same skills I use to help clients overcome memories of live vivisection and arena combat on a planet of pure, searing energy are readily transferable to all manner of emotional struggles. Note: I do not require my clients to have undergone torture at the hands of extraterrestrials. However, we may spend our first session together discussing how exactly you know you weren’t disassembled and reassembled, given the power of alien memory-neutralizing technology.”

Chris Bonila

“I’ve always wanted to help people, but life somehow always got in the way. What I love about HealScreen is that when you buy a session six-pack, it actually lets you start treating clients yourself. Like, immediately. It’s been the most rewarding experience of my life, pretty much. Sometimes I’ll panic and tell a client to stop whining about stuff that happened twenty years ago, or I’ll accidentally recommend that someone take up alcoholism, but I guess that happens to all therapists every now and then.”

Siggy, the HealScreen Therapy Chatbot

“👋 Hi! I’m Siggy! I noticed that you’re interested in working through your emotional trauma! O.K., great! I can help with that! My therapeutic artificial intelligence allows me to knowledgeably and compassionately process more than two dozen common questions pertaining to your mental problem! O.K., great! Please select one of the following brain mistakes:

Hopelessness

Anger

Confusion

Some other defect?

Still there? Don’t be shy! Go ahead and make your selection now!

Still there? Don’t be shy! Go ahead and make your selection now!

Still there? Don’t be shy! Go ahead and make your selection now!”

All new subscribers get twenty per cent off our already inexpensive introductory package, which includes fifty “get to know you” seconds with one of our therapists. So don’t delay. Join HealScreen today!



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