In the start, God created the heavens and the earth.
And God stated, “Let there be light,” and there was gentle, and it was good.
Then God’s boss requested Him to remain late and make the sky, too.
And God stayed late to create the sky, ignoring the sounds of the janitor’s vacuum. He created it, and it was good.
On the second day of creation, earlier than God clocked in, God’s boss informed Him the sunshine that He had created was good, however not nice.
“And I took a peek at Your Plan, and I think You can speed it up, God. I’d like to see You create water, land, herbs, and trees today. And a better light.”
And God stated, “That is a lot, but sure.”
And God’s boss stated, “You’re a total rock star, and also God.”
So God rapidly created water, land, herbs, bushes, and a greater gentle, and God’s boss stated, “Let there be a smile, too.”
On the third day, God’s boss defined that He would really want to complete all of creation that day.
When God questioned the feasibility of that, His boss stated, “I’m sorry, but on which day did You create all these excuses?”
So God stated, “Let the waters bring forth abundantly every moving creature that hath life, great whales, and great—”
And God’s boss stated, “You can just say fish.”
“Fish,” God repeated. Then God stated, “Let every living winged fowl that may fly in the—”
“ ‘Birds’ is good,” interrupted His boss.
“Birds,” God stated. “I suppose I’ll get rid of all creativity and just call them ‘beasts of the land,’ huh?”
And God’s boss requested, “Do You have a minute?”
God’s boss took God apart and informed Him that He was being positioned on a performance-improvement plan for His perspective.
When God went again to work, He completed His favourite half of creation: people. God noticed that the people had been good, and He gave them dominion over all of creation. Then He fell asleep at His desk and the motion-sensor lights turned off.
On the fourth day, God’s boss woke Him up.
“Why did You give free products to the humans?”
“Everything You create on the clock, God, is a product owned by Heaven, L.L.C.”
“But I created the clock.”
“And we’re grateful for that. Listen, I have another update: We, meaning You, have to create another earth today.”
“Our angel investors need to see that we have an efficient, replicable production process.”
So God sighed and stated, “Let there be a second light, and a second sky, and a second land.” He created all of it once more, late into the night time, despite the fact that He had tickets to see Hadestown with some mates.
On the fifth day, God was promoted to Senior God.
“Yes! And Senior Gods get to create twenty-five earths per day!”
“More earths? Is that needed, or possible?”
“With You, God, all things are possible.”
And His boss handed Him an awesome spreadsheet with how lengthy every activity ought to take. God glanced at half of it:
|Earth No. 76||Camel||four seconds|
|Earth No. 76||Cat||6 seconds|
|Earth No. 76||Caterpillar||14 seconds|
|Earth No. 76||Centipede||12 seconds|
|Earth No. 76||Chameleon||6 seconds|
|Earth No. 76||Cheetah||eight seconds|
|Earth No. 76||Chicken||four seconds|
|Earth No. 76||Chinchilla||17 seconds|
Then God exhaled, and started working.
He created a 3rd earth, a fourth earth, and a fifth and sixth earth. He texted His buddy to ask if she may water His crops.
And then God had an thought. He stated, “Let there be five tape recorders!” Onto them, He recorded the directions for creation, and He pressed Play on the tape recorders to create the required quantity of earths.
And God appeared upon the earths, and so they had been dangerous, however there have been twenty-five of them.
On the sixth day, God’s boss informed Him that He was a genius and that He’d be making twenty-five tape recorders that day.
“But I like making earths.”
“You’re still making earths, kind of!”
“And these earths aren’t my best work.”
“Even better! We can sell upgrades. It’s all part of God’s Planned Obsolescence.”
And God stated that He didn’t know if He wished to do that.
And God’s boss known as Him a Negative Nancy, which harm His emotions.
So God buried His feelings in His work and created twenty-five tape recorders. And they had been dangerous, and God didn’t really feel good.
On the seventh day, God known as in sick. Then He obtained an e-mail with no topic line and the message “Do You have a minute?” So God took some DayQuil and went to work.
There, an awesome Earth-Manufacturing Plant had been constructed. Inside, a refrain of thirty dead-eyed angels had been seated earlier than thirty O.Ok. tape recorders, urgent buttons that stated “fish” and “birds” and “beasts of land.”
God wept for His angels being exploited—even some cherubs who had been solely a thousand years previous. Then He appeared down at His first Earth for the primary time in a very long time, and stormed into His boss’s workplace.
“What happened to the first humans?!”
“It’s actually a really funny story,” God’s boss stated, and defined that the primary earth was too near all of the tape recorders, so the sound air pollution brought about the people to go mad and eat each other. It wasn’t really a extremely shaggy dog story in any respect.
And God stated, “What?!”
“I know, it’s very sad, but it is only one earth’s worth of humans out of the thousand we’ve made to date. A small sacrifice. And You love sacrifices!”
God left His boss’s workplace and created a brand new plan.
And God stated, “Let there be a world where labor is not alienated, and labor value is not exploited. Let there be coöperation instead of never-ending, destructive, accelerated competition. Let the needs of my dear, sweet humans be at its center, not the rapid accumulation of profit. And let there be leisure and joy so that life can be light!”
But none of that occurred. God was taken apart and informed that His creation powers had been rescinded, and that the seventh day of creation was His final day.
“But . . . but . . . I’ve worked here since in the beginning!”
“And we’re grateful for that. Gabriel and Michael will escort You out.”
“Don’t you know who I am? I am the great I am! I am irreplaceable!”
“O.K., You’re not Beyoncé. And we found a cheaper replacement.”
As God was escorted out, He appeared upon His substitute.
Jesus stated to God, “Father, please forgive me.”
And God known as His Son a scab.
And God was dragged out of the manufacturing unit and solid into the Lake of Fired.
On the primary day of unemployment, God rested.
He created the primary résumé, ordered Chinese meals, and arrange a Google alert for “entry-level jobs but also I’m God.”
God thought of His creations, and the way dangerous they had been, and puzzled if He ought to’ve by no means taken a job at Heaven. His meals arrived, and He tipped the supply angel.
And God ate the Chinese meals, and it was excellent.