The Bald Manifesto


● If I’m to put on a baseball cap, it shall not be out of disgrace however moderately out of delight for my workforce.

● I swear to maintain my remaining hair trim and tight till I flip forty-five, at which level all bets are off. Ponytails ahoy!

● I promise by no means to spend greater than thirty {dollars} on a haircut. It makes everybody uncomfortable—particularly barbers, who should faux to chop hair lengthy after they’ve accomplished their precise duties.

● If I see one other bald on the road, I shall give him a hearty nod!

● There shouldn’t be “less of me to love.”

● If you look seventy while you’re thirty, individuals will suppose you look thirty at seventy. This is called “Patrick Stewart’s Law.”

● Speaking of which, always remember that Patrick Stewart was as soon as named “Sexiest Man on TV” by TV Guide, essentially the most erotic publication identified to man.

● In England, they name bald guys “lollipop men.”

● Even although, biologically, this isn’t your dad’s fault, emotionally it’s.

● Get used to the phrase “covered ear to toe in hair.”

● Remove the phrase “I’m going to let my hair down” out of your vocabulary. Instead, say “ ’Bout to raise some scalp!”

● Have religion that your face is fascinating sufficient to hold the (metaphoric) weight of your head.

● I’m pretty sure the Bible explicitly states that God is a bald dude. Hairy Renaissance painters reinterpreted this, owing to their bias.

● If ever you get carded when buying alcohol, simply level to your bald head. It will get fun 100 per cent of the time.

● Follow up with “I’m not bald, I’m just giving off Tucci vibes.” More laughs.

● Do not watch Elvis Presley movies on YouTube. They will solely piss you off.

● On first dates, resist the urge to point out photos of your self from highschool. It does the other of what you need it to.

● If you see somebody squandering their God-given hair with a foolish haircut, don’t confront them. They will likely be punished within the subsequent life.

● It shouldn’t be unhappy (actually, it’s fairly helpful) to hold a handkerchief for the specific objective of dabbing your sweaty scalp in the summertime months.

● During the winter, resist the urge to stitch a beanie completely onto your head. Despite it being a very good search for you, you’ll remorse it come April.

● People assume that being bald makes you a greater swimmer. This is unfaithful. It makes you a greater lover.

● If you’re anxious that being bald will negatively have an effect on your love life, simply do not forget that Ben Franklin had syphilis, so . . .

● I’m sorry, however in case you’re bald you’re not allowed to skateboard anymore. Rollerblades solely. I’m so, so sorry.

● I can’t miss the times when the boys and I might get hopped up on Mountain Dew and rub our greasy heads of hair collectively. “Dew the ’Do” days are for the youth.

● On courting apps, when girls say they’re on the lookout for a “Larry David type,” sadly, that’s not what meaning.

● Judge not those that have but to embrace their journey into baldness. They are courageous warriors combating a futile struggle with Rogaine as their sword, the comb-over their protect. In time, they shall perceive that the one victory is defeat—and, in that defeat, acceptance. They will know their battle was a private chrysalis, from which they emerge a brand new being. LeBron, we’re ready for you on the opposite aspect.

● Colin Mochrie crawled in order that we might stroll.


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