Tuesday, March 19, 2024

Opinion | Difficult conversations are underway at the Mouse House

Opinion | Difficult conversations are underway at the Mouse House


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Bill Saporito is editor at large at Inc. Magazine.

These are unhappy days at the Walt Disney Co. The Mouse House last week announced that it is slashing thousands of jobs to cut costs and help restore its stock price. The job eliminations will occur across Disney’s properties, including ESPN and its movie studios. Which means we can imagine some difficult conversations are on the way:

Human Resources: Hey, Mickey, sit down. It’s nice to see you. How’s Minnie?

Mickey Mouse: Fine, thank you. What’s up? You are taking me away from my fans.

HR: Remind me, how long have you been with the company now?

MM: I guess you could say that Walt had me on the drawing board from the very beginning.

HR: Love your sense of humor. You first publicly appeared as Steamboat Willie, it says here in your personnel file.

MM: Walt and I thought Mickey was more commercial, more appealing than a deckhand. So, we made Mickey the headliner. Walt wasn’t the easiest guy to work for, by the way, but we did what was right for the company.

HR: That’s exactly what I want to talk to you about — change. Here at the Walt Disney Company, we have to be attuned to the needs of both our customers and our shareholders, not to mention the governor of Florida.

MM: I’m here to help. Would you like me to broaden my character again, from a one-dimensional perma-smiling rodent to something more complex? I’m a leader, not just a figurehead — the other cast members look up to me.

HR: Mickey, I think you’ve misunderstood me. We need fewer cast members — and more multitaskers who can take on several roles — to make sure our guests continue to have a great experience — and hope they don’t notice the difference.

MM: What are you saying? That you’re laying me off? After 95 years on the job? How inhuman.

HR: Very human, actually. And so American! You’ve seen the new magic in the Magic Kingdom, I trust? How we make holograms and NFTs that look and act exactly like you? Much better than animatronics, don’t you think?

HR: Um, no, you are a cartoon character.

MM: But that’s just a job description.

HR: Exactly the point Mick — may I call you Mick? — we really don’t see a job description that matches your skill set in the new, slimmed down platform. See the little kids walking around the park today? They’re all on their phones. Even the 5-year-olds!

MM: Are you forgetting that I’ve fronted for this company forever? You think Donald Duck could do that? I carried that useless bird on my back for decades — and I suppose you’re keeping Cinderella?

HR: The marketing guys say Cindy still resonates with 4- to 10-year-old girls. You can’t imagine how important that demographic is.

MM: Do you know how much work that woman has had done? Talk about a fairy tale.

HR: Mickey, I think you’re getting a little emotional here. We all value your many contributions at Disney, but our new CEO, Bob Iger, has asked us to cut 7,000 jobs so we can lower costs by $5.5 billion.

MM: Iger isn’t new. I’ve known him since before you were born. And he would never fire me. I’m the heart and soul of this place.

HR: Mickey, Bob has a big job. So, while I’m sure he would have wanted to convey this news to you personally, he had to meet with Wall Street investors and explain why he’s going to hold on to ESPN rather than spinning it off as they asked.

MM: But ESPN is hemorrhaging cable subscribers. I guess the broadcast rights to the American Cornhole championships isn’t paying off? There’s a shocker.

HR: There’s no need to be sarcastic. The company is making a transition from linear television to streaming. ESPN Plus and Disney Plus have added millions of subscribers.

MM: And they are losing money on every one of them. You’re making it up on the volume, right?

HR: Mickey, the point is this: Given your long service with the company, we’ve prepared a generous separation package for you — although you will have to sign a noncompete clause.

MM: You mean I can’t go to work for Universal Studios? Or even Busch Gardens?

HR: I’m afraid not. We need to keep our customers on property; we can’t have any of them looking for you elsewhere. But we want you to know that your package includes a lifetime pass to the parks — so you’ll always be able to feel like you’re part of the cast even if you’re really not.

HR: Hello, security, can you send someone to HR immediately?



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