WILMINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Lawyers scouring President Biden’s garage in Wilmington, Delaware, have been unable to find any plans to overthrow the United States government through a violent insurrection, the lawyers have reported.

In addition, the lawyers said, a thorough search had not turned up any instructions to subvert election results by spreading baseless claims about voter fraud or by promoting slates of fake electors.

“If, in searching President Biden’s garage, we had uncovered evidence of plans to end democracy as we know it—or, for that matter, proof of systematic tax fraud spanning a period of many years—we would have informed Attorney General Garland immediately,” the lawyers’ official statement read.

The lawyers revealed that they did discover plans to build a Jacuzzi and a barrel sauna on the President’s deck but said that they would not be forwarding those documents to the Department of Justice.

In Washington, House Republicans flatly rejected the lawyers’ account. “The American people are sick and tired of President Biden being less than honest with them,” Rep. George Santos said.



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