I’m a Billionaire Politician, but Here’s Why You, a Regular Person, Have to Save the World


There are so many issues plaguing the world at the moment.

Militarism, racism, Chrissy Teigen’s Twitter. (Why does she hold tweeting about how wealthy she is? We have a rich-person group chat for that.)

Also, the bees are usually not doing nice. But who is—am I proper? Ha, ha. Definitely not my butler, I’ll let you know that. I had to fireplace him after he requested for medical health insurance.

I do know that, as a billionaire, I might resolve these issues with the pocket change I spent on getting my head industrially waxed with whale blubber. (Whoops, add “Save endangered species” to the to-do record!)

I additionally know that, as a politician at the higher echelons of energy, I might put money into issues like training, well being care, and housing, as a substitute of simply throwing everybody in jail.

But America isn’t about a few folks with all the sources fixing issues. It’s about all of us doing our half.

Every trainer, each cashier, each mailman (and mailgirl! It’s 2021—girls also can reside paycheck to paycheck now) should do their half in creating a higher world.

Because, when you work onerous, danger all the things, and turn out to be deeply in debt, you, too, can obtain your goals. Have you seen “The Pursuit of Happyness”? That film made more cash than I did off the Iraq War.

The level is, nothing units you other than me. Sure, I’ve cash. But folks with cash are simply folks with out cash, besides we’ve cash. We are equals.

The resolution isn’t politicians giving handouts or billionaires being taxed extra. The resolution is folks pulling themselves up by their bootstraps and fixing issues themselves.

So, let’s go save the world. You in? Here’s how:

Donate to each GoFundMe. For every greenback you donate, I’ll match your donation with a greenback I made out of exploiting the Global South.

Recycle. Don’t use plastic straws. Turn the faucet off. Just cease consuming water altogether. This will depart extra for companies to eat. And they create jobs sooner or later, most likely.

Adopt all the bees.

Spread consciousness to your seventy-four social-media followers by tweeting #FuckModi. (Unfortunately, I can’t actually choose sides proper now—it’s all so sophisticated!)

When unsure, name your elected officers. We be just right for you. We need to hear from you. And our voice-mail packing containers are full.

Purchase your world-saving tools from Amazon. Amazon cares about bringing folks collectively, so long as these folks aren’t coming collectively to type a union.

My intern does such good work, and she or he solely will get paid in salad elements. Can somebody begin a GoFundMe to pay her a dwelling wage? Also, discover out what her identify is.

You bought this far down the record and haven’t even thought of attempting ideas and prayers?!

Why not seize a shovel and a few cement and repair potholes your self? Why not seize a ladder and a few bricks and construct housing for the total homeless inhabitants?

Eat out each evening at a native restaurant. They bought hit onerous throughout the pandemic. And we’re busy saving Exxon and Southwest, so it’d be good to get small companies off our plate.

Instead of asking to enhance the minimal wage, enhance your positivity. You can nonetheless purchase, like, 5 McChickens.

Riot gear and tear fuel are costly, so we don’t have a lot left for college provides. Could you see us for textbooks? Oh, and, when you’re at the retailer, pencils, too.

Eat wholesome, train, and don’t be associated to anybody with coronary heart illness, and also you received’t even want medical health insurance.

Endangered species are going extinct at a fast charge, and you are able to do your half to save them by instructing them to code.

Representation issues! Start a petition demanding that there be fewer funding banks named for 2 guys and extra named for 2 women. Admit it—you wouldn’t be as mad if it had been Jenna P. Morgan.

Unfortunately, there isn’t a manner to cancel student-loan debt. It’s true that loans are faux cash trapped in a common laptop that has a Delete key, but cancelling pupil loans is unfair to these whose mother and father paid their full tuition.

Exercise your proper to protest! Because it might be actually unhappy if we purchased these tanks for no cause.


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