I’ll Start This New Project Just as Soon as All Conditions in My Life Are Perfect

All proper, right now’s the day. Time to finish this bizarre, stagnant section of my life and begin writing my first novel. I’ve been placing it off for months, however I gained’t tolerate one other excuse or wait a second longer to get artistic!

Now I’m sitting at my desk, firing up the ol’ Mac, and—whoa, hold on. My snake plant appears to be like droopy. Does it want water? More daylight? Hmm. A fast search reveals that, as some type of sick joke, God has made the indicators of under-watering similar to the indicators of over-watering. Ha, good one, God! I can’t probably begin a brand new undertaking surrounded by dying vegetation. I need to purchase and skim “The Houseplant Handbook: The Complete Guide to Palms, Bulbs, Ferns, Cacti, Succulents, Flowering Plants, and More.” I’ll grasp plant care earlier than I get too absorbed in my writing. Then I’ll begin my novel.

Phew, all accomplished! That solely took every week. Now I’m prepared to put in writing and—wait, I really feel one thing. Boy, am I drained. All that plant care was draining. Should I actually add one thing new to my life after I’m a sleep-deprived zombie? Before I write, I would like a good bedtime meditation, some nice memory-foam pillows, a model new natural mattress, and two weeks off to drive to each mattress retailer in Austin and check all of the choices. Then I can turn into the subsequent Hemingway!

Wow, I really like all these mattresses, and I had no concept that mattress shops are all filled with scorching babes. I’d prefer to be a author who dates a scorching babe. And how do you entice such a babe? Simple—you get swole. I don’t must be some freakishly ’roided up bodybuilder, however I positively wish to be the sort of author who’s a sexually good Adonis with nine-per-cent physique fats and dreamy, faraway eyes.

O.Ok., that wasn’t too distracting. It solely took fourteen months to make amends for sleep and get in such nice form that I can see all 5 of my abs. Time to wri—

Oh, man! Look at that. A brand new e-mail from my stepdad, Robert, and the topic is “OMEGA-3 FISH OIL AND ONE WORLD GOVERNMENT.” Ever since I advised Robert about my well being journey, he’s been “educating” me. I need to instantly learn, analyze, and rebut the fifty-six inaccuracies in this conspiracy idea, in any other case I’ll endure from the information that somebody near me believes false issues, which might undermine my psychological stability, and, due to this fact, my means to do something artistic.

I’ll simply have a pleasant two-hour screaming cellphone name with Robert, in which, via my superior reasoning and debate expertise, I’ll undo a long time of Robert’s idiosyncratic life expertise and niche-online-reading habits. Then I’ll persuade him that it’s unbelievable that Bill Gates is a lizard king who’s enslaving the human race with vaccines, Robert will cease with these wacky e-mails, and I’ll lastly have in-box zero and psychological peace sufficient to make progress on my novel.

Sheesh, this entire Robert debacle actually made me take into consideration the significance of household and the way I haven’t began one but. Writing is hard. Writers want a stable help system. That’s why I ought to spouse up; have children; increase them completely; watch them mature into safe, compassionate teenagers who’ve a wholesome skepticism of unreasonable claims; ship them to varsity with out debt; ensure that they get good jobs in biotech; then watch them increase wholesome, epistemically accountable households of their very own. At that time, I’ll be a jacked, well-slept, very safe, and completely happy eighty-year-old grandpa who’s able to say sure to his artistic ambitions. Then it’s ebook time, child!

Key query: When I’m a grandpa, will I’ve a 401(ok)? Will Social Security be solvent? Will political events nonetheless be screwed up? Ugh! Is it even doable to make progress in your life if you stay in a dysfunctional pseudo-democracy? Before I begin writing, I’ll most likely must overhaul plenty of points of our society and authorities, and I’ll positively want to switch our winner-take-all nationwide voting system with a extra optimized, ranked-choice system, or higher but a Condorcet voting system, in order that I’ll safe my future, and the way forward for all youngsters, adults, and retirees. Then I can pen my novel, which, by the best way, is a comedic story a couple of speaking cat named Johnny Whiskers, who begins an underground punk cat band in the fictional dystopian metropolis of Catatonia. Clearly, I’ve plenty of work to do.

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