Cast Me as the Next James Bond


Much is being product of the launch, in the end, of “No Time to Die,” Daniel Craig’s last outing as James Bond. For years, there’s been rampant hypothesis as to who will change Craig in the iconic position. Who has the panache, the intercourse enchantment, the physique? Who can fill the sneakers (and the Speedo) whereas nonetheless bringing one thing new?

I can.

Yes, me, a shrimp.

I do know what you’re pondering: A shrimp, as Bond? Don’t make me chuckle. But I’ve assembled what I consider is a compelling argument for why I’m not simply the most fun selection however the solely selection for the subsequent 007.

First off: “The name’s Prawnd, James Prawnd.” I feel the franchise wants a little bit of a kick in the pants, a departure from the self-serious doom and gloom of the final a number of installments. What higher option to inform folks that we’re doing issues a bit in another way now than to solid a shrimp and rename the beloved spy?

Secondly—and since I do know too a lot change would possibly freak individuals out—I do have a British accent. Don’t consider me? Aluminium. My favorite color is gray. Fancy a shag?

Which brings me to my third level: an enormous a part of the Bond franchise is the incontrovertible fact that 007 is continually bedding beautiful ladies. Have you ever seen a shrimp make love? I doubt it, however I guess now your curiosity is piqued.

Another shrimp truth chances are you’ll not know: beneath our shells we’re all sporting tuxedos. Perfect for a “Goldfinger” homage! And there’s room beneath the tuxedo for a wetsuit, after which one other tuxedo beneath that, in case individuals don’t get the “Goldfinger” reference the first time. And, in fact, there’d be large financial savings for the costume division, as my physique is one-thousandth the measurement of any of the earlier Bonds.

Here’s a enjoyable concept: how about, as a substitute of a martini, my Bond drinks shrimp cocktail? Just kidding, that will be fucking disgusting, and cannibalism. I’m fantastic with the martini.

Maybe certainly one of the baddies has a shellfish allergy. He thinks he’s assembly a human MI6 officer, after which who strolls in however me, coolly smoking a cigarette, trying like intercourse on wheels (or on tiny shrimp legs) in my Savile Row swimsuit. “What’s this? I thought I was meant to have a showdown with 007!” the dangerous man protests. “I’m shrimply thrilled to see you,” I reply. “Shellfishly, I want you dead.” Then I rub myself on his tongue and he goes into anaphylactic shock.

Something like that—I’m not volunteering to put in writing the complete script. I’m simply saying that there ought to be shrimp puns.

I do know that this casting might be controversial. Luckily for any skeptics, the common lifespan of a shrimp is just one to 6 years. So, who is aware of? Maybe I’ll be like George Lazenby and do just one movie. If persons are actually offended about my portrayal of Bond, I promise right here and now that they’ll serve me as an hors d’oeuvre at the première get together.


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