We have been observing you for millennia, from a terrific distance. Your growth, your cultures, your wars. Your methods fascinate us. Recently, you’ve got seen our crafts in your airspace. Yes, we’re actual. And, sure, we’re able to provoke contact.
In earthly phrases, we’ve progressed past the ideas of nations, division, and battle. We are a peaceable civilization, constructed on coöperation, technological progress, and the facility of thought.
We have gathered from our observations that at present essentially the most highly effective Thought Leader in your strongest nation is a human generally known as Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson. Is that appropriate?
Because, frankly, this . . . confuses us. What is his deal, precisely?
He is first rate at talking on tv, we perceive that. But he’s far out of your most clever or most succesful human. By, like, a protracted shot. He appears very upset, on a regular basis, about issues that mainly don’t exist. And that is coming from aliens.
So why him? Your planet is struggling, its extinction is imminent. And but this asshole is speaking about Antifa. It’s, like, dude. Zoom out.
He does understand Antifa isn’t a factor, proper? I imply, we’ve know-how past the scope of human comprehension, and even we can not discover a shred of proof that a company known as Antifa exists, not to mention poses any precise risk to your “suburbs.” So some Nazis get punched each every so often. No offense, however who offers a shit?
Your world is melting, its individuals are extra divided than ever. We need to share our information and alleviate your ache. But, truthfully, that Tucker weirdo kinda makes us need to flip round and go dwelling. I imply, good Lord, what a tablet. Just. So. Much. Complaining. Dude, cease performing such as you didn’t take the vaccine! You know we will see you, proper? And now you check with the best way anti-vaxxers are handled as “medical Jim Crow”?! Yeesh. Chill, bro! Take a yoga class! It’s gonna be O.Okay.!
Look, we actually favored the pyramids. Those have been cool, and we’d like to see extra of that sort of factor. But please ditch this man. It isn’t value it. He simply sucks, and, within the context of the universe as a complete, you look goofy as hell proper now.
Truly, after we let you know methods to repair the entire climate-change factor, you’re going to be, like, Wow. O.Okay., we’re formally dumb. And guess what? You type of are. But perhaps step one towards altering that isn’t hanging on each phrase from a sweaty wealthy prick with a ski-goggle tan.
Also, aspect observe: the idea of racism is hilarious to us. What a waste of everybody’s time. Skin coloration? Really? I imply, it’s not humorous, but it surely’s type of humorous, you recognize what I imply? Also, Tuck, come on. It’s, like, Buddy, look within the mirror. White folks aren’t precisely particular. You have, like, sizzling canines, the Beatles, and that’s type of it. That’s the tradition you’re attempting to guard? We say this with love: Let it go. You guys peaked like eighty years in the past. Trust us. It will get higher.
I assume what we’re saying is, you beings appear fairly chill as a complete, however, all issues being equal, you’ll be able to miss us with the Tucker bullshit. I imply, we repeatedly journey billions of light-years to go to you, however that dude is exhausting. We don’t even consider within the idea of good and unhealthy, however he’s for positive unhealthy.
Anyway, speak quickly. Keep calm. You received this. And, if issues get really out of hand, don’t sweat. We’ll simply incinerate you all in a nanosecond.
Love and kisses,
P.S. Are y’all simply gonna let the Epstein factor slide? That felt like type of a giant deal, no? ♦